coaching

i have got a coach! and the person seems all right. its so hard to find a proper one... most of them are useless.
i started on the abc diet for the 17th time. and its going amazing this far!
i printed some inspirational Pictures and put them in my weightloss diary. i hope i will keep feeling so optimistic about this! right now, i really fell like i can do it!
but in return my fear of gaining has intensified. i cant go to sleep feeling"full".
i went for two long walks today. each one lasted about 45min.
what shall i say to my dad o stop him from buying unhealthy Things? "oh i cant eat that dad! its almost summer!" or should i rather tell him, it would be better if we saved the Money for our Holiday??? we have talked about going to Ireland, Australia or America eiter this or the NeXT year.  i am so excited! but also terrified. my arms are totally covered in scars. he hasnt seen me in a tshirt since i started selfharming.. and he keeps comenting on the scars he does see... like "ohh that looks so bad! and "look what you have done to yourself! it doesnt look nice, does i?" its  anoying and it makes me sad.

basic "tips" for weightloss

tips for weightloss

1. drink your Water. mostly when you think youre hungry, youre actually just thirsty. drink before every meal so you will feel full faster, which Means you will(hopefully) eat less. warm Water makes you feel full even faster and longer

2. "stop eating sugar. youre sweet enough already". yes seriously. stop eating sugar. eat some Salad instead. have a "cheat day" once a week. on that day youre allowed to eat a bit of your fav snack. ( to keep your metabolism going)

3. exercise. exercise is good for you. it makes you lose weight faster. it gives you more energy and it makes you happier. when you are physical active endorphines are released in your body. they make you feel happy. thats why its recommended for depressed people to exercise. it will also make your body look nicer...

4. eat healthy. it does the trick. its better eating salad worth of 500 kcal than chocolate. why? because there is way more fat ( for example) in chocolate. and  chocolate is also bad for your skin. so WHAT YOU EAT MATTERS, k?

5. stop eating bread. stop it. stop it. stop it. but only if its the White kind. it makes you bloated and you dont need it. eat a bit of the healthy bread instead, it will also make you feel full longer.

6. breakfast is important. if you dont eat breakfast your metabolism can slow Down. a lot.

7. getenough sleep. (i cant recall why) but sleep is important. get 7-8 hours of sleep every night.

8. dont eat 4 hours before you go to bed

9. look for alternative and healthier options. like fat free yoghurt, milk, cheese... and instead of "normal yogurt" try greece yoghurt instead. it has less calories and fat. it is said it boosts your metabolism

10. try to drink at least 3 cups of green tea pr day. it also boosts your metabolism

11. look at thinspo. remember your goal. some people carry a Picture of themselves in underwear (or naked) to disgust themselves whenever they feel like eating so they wont eat.

12. keep a kind of diary. write Down what you ate, how many calories it contained, if you exercised and how much, and how much weight you lost. it can help you in the future if you should be in need of getting back on track.

13. try to eat less meat. you dont need to eat meat everyday. you dont need the extra calories.

14. trigger yourself. look at thinspo, listen to triggering music... weighing myself and measuring my thighs triggers me.

15. eat less pasta, potatoes and rice.

16. eat SLOWLY. it takes 20 min for your brain to realise you are full. take your time. make sure to chew your food. cut it into tiny pieces. make it look like a lot.





that was my tips!
if i should think of more, or stumble upon some i will update this post!
i hope they are usefull and that you understand what i mean.

gw1

i am (Again) almost Down to goalweight 1! when i reach it, i will post a bodycheck. I had a terrible headache so i stayed in bed all day, still managed to lose weight. this weekend honestly concerns me. i am going home. so dad will probably buy chocolate and stuff. if i dont eat it, he will Wonder as he knows i am a chocoholic! i can just purge it later of course, but what if i dont get the opportunity???

but yeah,its a quite pleasant day until now. at least i can skip dinner! my dad will pick my sis and i up at 11 o'clcok (in the evening) and i get off school at 3 o'clock in the afternoon d: guess i will just binge Watch hemlock grove and Sherlock holmes.
i feel great! istill have a slight headache but nothing serious.
the cuts  have been talking about are no longer infected (i think????) but they still hurt.

just found out that the girl who played luna lovegood in harry potter ( evanna lynch) had anorexia when she was 11-13 years old! she has always captivated me, right from the beginning. although we never met in reality, i felt we had some sort of special connection. when i read it i said "oh no! not you..!" outloud. it hurt.

i like curvy girls, i honestly do. but girls with thin arms and slim legs simply look...elegant. the way they move...

student exchange, school project

my school got visit from italian students this week. they were very impolite and noisy. they were on their phone 24/7. and 3 of them spend 1 and half an hour on a bathroom they had to share with 6 other girls (including me) and what were they doing there at 11 o' clock in the evening? STRAIGHTNING HAIR AND LISTENING TO MUSIC. it pissed all of us off. it isnt a living room ffs!
the visit was totally not what i had expected. they didnt even talk to us. they only talked with their friends from back home.

i cut and it seems the wounds i have made are now infected. the skin around the cuts is red and it looks slightly swollen. it also feels sore but i dont know if its only because of the cuts... i am no longer in the mood to care for the injuries i make on my own body. i am tired of infection. i have thrown away all my blades now because of it. i just cant deal with it... so either it goes away on its own or it doesnt.

we are currently working on different Projects in Groups. my Groups "mission" is to attract more boys to our school. there is currently almost twice as many girls as boys. its sooooo boring. we are doing it in the gym hall. which is really annoying as its unbelievable Cold in there! but its the only place thats big enough for 100 people ( apart from the dinning hall.) we have to Work on the project from half past 8 in the morning to 5 o'clock in the evening! for 3 days in a row!
KILL ME! i seriously consider to make myself sick just to avoid it.

social events at my school

the guy i have refered to as "manipulative" texted me today. and i skipped a class. my teacher knows. and guess what? i dont care.
 the apple mono doesnt Work out for me. apples dont make me feel satisfied. i will try doing a mono with a food i actually like. apples to me are just a "must eat" food.

i feel like something is wrong with me. the way i dont really care about others feelings. only smile so they wont become suspicious, and because thats what i am expected to do. when i say sorry i dont truly mean it. people call me "sweet" and "innocent". thats probably just because they dont know me.
i am conscious about my posture and facial expressions. i know how to appear nervous. i know how to seperate the fake smiles from the real. i do my best to be likeable, and when someone offends me, i do my best not to show.
does my carelessness have something to do with my numbness? i resisted cutting. but only because i felt like i didnt have enough time, and in the evenings when i can finally be alone and relax, i am too tired. a lot of social Things are going on at my school. i haaaaaaaaaate it! i dont want to be so social. i dont want to appear happy all the time.
which reminds me of something... i texted with a kind of friend once, i got to know through a website, and he said i was such a "bubbly" person. which was so weird as i was extremely suicidal at the time hah.
i just want to lie Down and sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep...

mono diets/ bore yourself thin!

I just read an article. it said you can bore yourself thin by only eating the same meal everyday for x amount of days. why? because you will get so used to the taste you will like it less and less. which of course Means you will eat less and less of it! and i can say it Works! i used to only eat cucumbers and crackers for dayyys. same goes for pineapple/cucumber/crackers combi.

i have planned to start on a monodiet. Again. i have done a chocolate mono twice. the first time i lost weight,the second time i gained. so i stopped doing them. but i have decided to give it another try.
yesterday i ate an apple, half a slice of bread ( the healthy Brown kind) and a spoonful of pineapple. i lost 700 g. but i had a headache and felt quite ill :s

today i will try to only eat bananas( we have no more apples). but bananas are high in calories so i dont know really...
NeXT week i will try the Nutella mono. i dont really like nutella so i wont binge on it. a great way to make sure i wont eat too much of it.

i havent eaten crisps for almost a month now. YAAY!!! as NeXT, i will challenge myself to cut out cake.
cake is being served every second day at my school. its sooooooo hard to resist.....but i have done it before, so i can definitely do it Again. its just a question about will power and determination.

how can it be?

when i look at my thighs, they are huge. at least when i am not wearing jeans. usually when i Wear jeans i can see they have a nice size that looks good to the rest of my body. but the rest of the time they just look HUGE. there is two girls at my schoolwho are petite. i think they look perfect, and they have such slim thighs!
but in mycabin the other girls thought about how thin they were. they said their thighs were far too slim. and i was just like "what???" they are perfect! later on they started talking about eatingdisorders and i started crying. *oops* that seriously shouldnt have happened. i asked them to change topic but it was already too late.
how come they all thought they were too thin, if i thought they looked good? i aspire to be even thinner than them! and yesterday i saw a post about a girl. she was good looking. and even in the normal weight range. and i dont think she was especially skinny, but people was commenting about it was a miracle the Wind hadnt blown her away yet. i dont see what everyone else see.
and everytime i look at someone i automatically calculate how many calories i should intake to get a body like that and for how long.
calories
calories
calories
fat
fat
sugar
fat
calories

i cant get it out of my head! how much fat does it contain? how much sugar? how many calories? how many carbs? ugh! i just ate breakfast! much purge it. must. purge. it. i ate a healthy breakfast. but with the feeling of perfect emptiness gone... i hate the thought of so much food inside of me.
why cant i just be happy?

before i transfered school i weighed 55 kg. then one week i said to myself "screw it! i am perfect!" and then i ate normally. and gained 4 KG!!!!! 4 kg i now cant get rid of! back in time it was a miracle if i even gained 2 kg! and now f-ing 4! and they just wont go away ... i know it Means i am not fighting hard enough. but still... its a fight i have been fighting far too long with no results. i just cant give up. i simply cant...
i promised myself to get Down to at least to 50, so thats what i am gonna do.
Think i will be starting on the ABC diet...Again. *sigh* it never ends.


a quote that keeps my strength up is from the poem invictus.
" i am the master of my soul. the captain of my fate"