social events at my school

the guy i have refered to as "manipulative" texted me today. and i skipped a class. my teacher knows. and guess what? i dont care.
 the apple mono doesnt Work out for me. apples dont make me feel satisfied. i will try doing a mono with a food i actually like. apples to me are just a "must eat" food.

i feel like something is wrong with me. the way i dont really care about others feelings. only smile so they wont become suspicious, and because thats what i am expected to do. when i say sorry i dont truly mean it. people call me "sweet" and "innocent". thats probably just because they dont know me.
i am conscious about my posture and facial expressions. i know how to appear nervous. i know how to seperate the fake smiles from the real. i do my best to be likeable, and when someone offends me, i do my best not to show.
does my carelessness have something to do with my numbness? i resisted cutting. but only because i felt like i didnt have enough time, and in the evenings when i can finally be alone and relax, i am too tired. a lot of social Things are going on at my school. i haaaaaaaaaate it! i dont want to be so social. i dont want to appear happy all the time.
which reminds me of something... i texted with a kind of friend once, i got to know through a website, and he said i was such a "bubbly" person. which was so weird as i was extremely suicidal at the time hah.
i just want to lie Down and sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep...