how can it be?

when i look at my thighs, they are huge. at least when i am not wearing jeans. usually when i Wear jeans i can see they have a nice size that looks good to the rest of my body. but the rest of the time they just look HUGE. there is two girls at my schoolwho are petite. i think they look perfect, and they have such slim thighs!
but in mycabin the other girls thought about how thin they were. they said their thighs were far too slim. and i was just like "what???" they are perfect! later on they started talking about eatingdisorders and i started crying. *oops* that seriously shouldnt have happened. i asked them to change topic but it was already too late.
how come they all thought they were too thin, if i thought they looked good? i aspire to be even thinner than them! and yesterday i saw a post about a girl. she was good looking. and even in the normal weight range. and i dont think she was especially skinny, but people was commenting about it was a miracle the Wind hadnt blown her away yet. i dont see what everyone else see.
and everytime i look at someone i automatically calculate how many calories i should intake to get a body like that and for how long.
calories
calories
calories
fat
fat
sugar
fat
calories

i cant get it out of my head! how much fat does it contain? how much sugar? how many calories? how many carbs? ugh! i just ate breakfast! much purge it. must. purge. it. i ate a healthy breakfast. but with the feeling of perfect emptiness gone... i hate the thought of so much food inside of me.
why cant i just be happy?

before i transfered school i weighed 55 kg. then one week i said to myself "screw it! i am perfect!" and then i ate normally. and gained 4 KG!!!!! 4 kg i now cant get rid of! back in time it was a miracle if i even gained 2 kg! and now f-ing 4! and they just wont go away ... i know it Means i am not fighting hard enough. but still... its a fight i have been fighting far too long with no results. i just cant give up. i simply cant...
i promised myself to get Down to at least to 50, so thats what i am gonna do.
Think i will be starting on the ABC diet...Again. *sigh* it never ends.


a quote that keeps my strength up is from the poem invictus.
" i am the master of my soul. the captain of my fate"