meaningless

i listen far too much to mogwai ._.  why do i somtimes get a  sudden urge to scratch my face?
my days are so empty... every monday is the same. every thuesday. thursday and Friday... they dont make sense. they dont matter..  when i lie in my bed at night in the silence, i realize i didnt achieve anything that day. and then i think of what a failure i am, and that i cant do anything right. i am just not good enough. i never am. i never was. maybe one day i will be.
i am sick and tired of being worried. of all the Things i have to do and think about. i am tired of all the responsibilities. i am tired of knowing whats going on around me and in the world. tired of understanding. and i am tired of caring.
whats the meaning with life? hah. there isnt one. we just happen to exist. sad coincidence.

yoga

i have practiced yoga the past couple of days like crazy. i can feel i have become more flexible ( but i have done excersises for that for around a month now) and stronger. its a wonderful feeling!
i find the inspiration on tumblr. there is a lot of yoga blogs there! most of the poses are quite advanced but sometimes there is also some easy ones!
if you want to start yourself, you can also Watch videos on youtube (:

my main problems are my arms and my back. my arms are weak and not really flexible at all, and my back is a bit stiff ):
 but! i wont give up! i want to be good at this. i want to keep improving.

i texted Tine

so, i texted this girl from my school yesterday. which resulted in we watched a movie together today!
right now i am doing a facialtreatment. i just did a tiny Little bit of yoga. i have improved!!! yay! i hope i have lost a lot of weight to tomorrow. in march i will go skiing. i will only do it to burn calories. i hate snow.

so yeah. an all right day all in one.
 so pretty <3 i like her shoes.

ranting and windmills

i want to do yoga. just not when people can see me... urgh...
i feel so bad...a really nice girl from my school (she is called Tine), wanted to Watch a movie with me, which i also really wanted to. she texted me and said i could just come, whenever i felt like it. i never answered that message. and its like.. a month ago now? i feel so guilty... cause i really like her. texting back now is too embarrassing and i am too ashamed.... but she deserves an answer... oh god, why do i do such Things? i want to befriend her, but then why do i do this???
i feel like ripping all my hairs out. i feel like cutting from my eye to right under my cheekbone. i am so scared my sister might become ill. her room is so cold, and it cant become any hotter... if i could i would wrap her in bubblewrap and Lock her away.
and the fact that i am on my period doesnt make anything better. (stomachache)


have i told you i love windmills? i associate them with luck. but also loneliness.




look how skinny she is! *sigh*

(:

i Have been talking to a guy from my school for quite a while now ( cant remember if i have already mentioned him..?) well, i am sure he is trying to manipulate me. (please notice the Word "trying"). doesnt he hink i know the signs? haha what a Waste of energy. i still like him though. at least i do most of the time...
i havent done much this week.. i have watched a lot of movies and listened to a lot of post -rock.
later today i will clean my room and go for a walk. just painted my nails red. now speaking about red... i havent cut fo a while. i almost did it yesteday but i resisted the temptation.
i slept at tines house last weekend! together with some of her other friends. it was fantastic. we played jut dance for what? 2 hours? 3? haha.
that was the first time in 3 and half year i was by someone else than my neighbour for more than an hour.

whenever you feel ugly:

whenever you feel ugly, remember darling, that all the girls you see on tumblr and such, Wear a shit load of make up. make up can give you a new face, if you use it right.

you could also say to yourself that you are smoking hot in the mirror and smile. even if you feel like you lie and if it seems pointless. just do it. DO IT.
 and its all right to secretly think you are better than everyone else. it will boost your self esteem.
(i bet you have heard a 1000 times that confidence is sexy, right? so how about becoming confident, eh?)
Drink a glass of Water or a cup of tea. take a hot shower. just relax. do a facial treatment. do your nails.  read a good book. anything that makes you feel good.
and i have also heard that standing in a "power position" for just 5 min. a day boosts your self esteem.
 (example of power position/pose)



tell yourself over and over Again that you are confident. try to only think positive Things about yourself. and try also to act confident. with the time, it wont be acting anymore (:
you could also exercise. being comfortable and proud of your body ( just looks in general actually, so rememeber to take care of your face too)  also boosts your selfesteem, and exercise releases endorphines (a hormone which makes you happy). thats why its recommended for depressed people to exercise (:
the smell of cinnamon is also said to improve your mood (: chocolate also helps. but its not good for your skin and there is a lot of calories in it... so only do that as a last option.


         hope this was just a Little helpful.





ps. this post reminds me of something a good friend once said to me. i was ranting to him about that i was ugly AF, and then he said, i should just think about how ugly and wrinkled my friends would look in 50 or 30 years. believe it or not, but it actually helped(: haha

prediction about new years eve, good reads and skinny girls

New years eve was just like i predicted. apart from my sister spoiled it. wanna know what she did? she sat in her room the Whole evening. being grumpy. she claimed she was tired.  which made my dad both annoyed, sad and mad. it wasnt nice of her. i find it selfish and mean. but thats just how she is, i guess...
i purged my dinner today. what a luck its almost monday!

i have spent a couple of hours today on a website called goodreads.com. i need new books and they have reviews and summaries of books in all genres and categories. if you are a bookworm, i think you should check it out (:
i have set my eyes on no less than 11 books already! and 4 of them are about Eds. i wont buy them all though... so i have got to choose, ugh...


seems like my plans about going to the swimhall has been cancelled. i will just have to eat less and Work out more then. ( i didnt cancel them. its because i have to go back to my school tomorrow. it takes almost 2 hours to get there and i also have to take a shower, workout and pack. and i dont get along with stress...)


if you seek under "beautiful girl" in Google Pictures, its mainly skinny girls on the Pictures. so yes, SKINNY IS BEAUTIFUL AND WANTED. who do they try to trick? its probably just themselves. i think the tumblr-girls with all their "every body is beautiful" Pictures, just try to force themself to feel that way. and to show others how  nice and unjudgmental they are. (i am sorry, but i cant stand them. they seem fake-sweet to me. if you understand what i mean? )
 and the reason why  recovery centers for eating disorders use it as a motto, is to make the victims of anorexia and bulimia to feel better about gaining weight. (which is totally understandable.)
  you see? SKINNY        SKINNY!SKINNY!!
       SKINNY!


SKINNY!
SKINNY!
SKINNY!
SKINNY!SKINNY!