social events at my school

the guy i have refered to as "manipulative" texted me today. and i skipped a class. my teacher knows. and guess what? i dont care.
 the apple mono doesnt Work out for me. apples dont make me feel satisfied. i will try doing a mono with a food i actually like. apples to me are just a "must eat" food.

i feel like something is wrong with me. the way i dont really care about others feelings. only smile so they wont become suspicious, and because thats what i am expected to do. when i say sorry i dont truly mean it. people call me "sweet" and "innocent". thats probably just because they dont know me.
i am conscious about my posture and facial expressions. i know how to appear nervous. i know how to seperate the fake smiles from the real. i do my best to be likeable, and when someone offends me, i do my best not to show.
does my carelessness have something to do with my numbness? i resisted cutting. but only because i felt like i didnt have enough time, and in the evenings when i can finally be alone and relax, i am too tired. a lot of social Things are going on at my school. i haaaaaaaaaate it! i dont want to be so social. i dont want to appear happy all the time.
which reminds me of something... i texted with a kind of friend once, i got to know through a website, and he said i was such a "bubbly" person. which was so weird as i was extremely suicidal at the time hah.
i just want to lie Down and sleep. sleep. sleep. sleep...

mono diets/ bore yourself thin!

I just read an article. it said you can bore yourself thin by only eating the same meal everyday for x amount of days. why? because you will get so used to the taste you will like it less and less. which of course Means you will eat less and less of it! and i can say it Works! i used to only eat cucumbers and crackers for dayyys. same goes for pineapple/cucumber/crackers combi.

i have planned to start on a monodiet. Again. i have done a chocolate mono twice. the first time i lost weight,the second time i gained. so i stopped doing them. but i have decided to give it another try.
yesterday i ate an apple, half a slice of bread ( the healthy Brown kind) and a spoonful of pineapple. i lost 700 g. but i had a headache and felt quite ill :s

today i will try to only eat bananas( we have no more apples). but bananas are high in calories so i dont know really...
NeXT week i will try the Nutella mono. i dont really like nutella so i wont binge on it. a great way to make sure i wont eat too much of it.

i havent eaten crisps for almost a month now. YAAY!!! as NeXT, i will challenge myself to cut out cake.
cake is being served every second day at my school. its sooooooo hard to resist.....but i have done it before, so i can definitely do it Again. its just a question about will power and determination.

how can it be?

when i look at my thighs, they are huge. at least when i am not wearing jeans. usually when i Wear jeans i can see they have a nice size that looks good to the rest of my body. but the rest of the time they just look HUGE. there is two girls at my schoolwho are petite. i think they look perfect, and they have such slim thighs!
but in mycabin the other girls thought about how thin they were. they said their thighs were far too slim. and i was just like "what???" they are perfect! later on they started talking about eatingdisorders and i started crying. *oops* that seriously shouldnt have happened. i asked them to change topic but it was already too late.
how come they all thought they were too thin, if i thought they looked good? i aspire to be even thinner than them! and yesterday i saw a post about a girl. she was good looking. and even in the normal weight range. and i dont think she was especially skinny, but people was commenting about it was a miracle the Wind hadnt blown her away yet. i dont see what everyone else see.
and everytime i look at someone i automatically calculate how many calories i should intake to get a body like that and for how long.
calories
calories
calories
fat
fat
sugar
fat
calories

i cant get it out of my head! how much fat does it contain? how much sugar? how many calories? how many carbs? ugh! i just ate breakfast! much purge it. must. purge. it. i ate a healthy breakfast. but with the feeling of perfect emptiness gone... i hate the thought of so much food inside of me.
why cant i just be happy?

before i transfered school i weighed 55 kg. then one week i said to myself "screw it! i am perfect!" and then i ate normally. and gained 4 KG!!!!! 4 kg i now cant get rid of! back in time it was a miracle if i even gained 2 kg! and now f-ing 4! and they just wont go away ... i know it Means i am not fighting hard enough. but still... its a fight i have been fighting far too long with no results. i just cant give up. i simply cant...
i promised myself to get Down to at least to 50, so thats what i am gonna do.
Think i will be starting on the ABC diet...Again. *sigh* it never ends.


a quote that keeps my strength up is from the poem invictus.
" i am the master of my soul. the captain of my fate"

Inspiration/motivation

you can never get too much inspiration or motivation (;

back from norway

i came home from norway yesterday. i am actually quite good at skiing. i allowed myself to eat unhealthy. it was dumb, i know. but if i didnt the others would start to Wonder. well, now that i am back i can purge Again. and the bruises it causes has healed on my hand so it wont be a problem.
in two weeks i think, i will dye my hair. i will dye it a hazelnut-like color. and after that, maybe a lighter shade of blonde than my natural haircolor.. i never use permanent haircolor. only once.
for  the first and the last time. EVER.

i did some workouts this morning. and i will hopefully go for a walk later to burn of some more calories. i will also make a Little bit of workout tonight.
 and guess what i will also do today?
LOOK AT A LOT OF THIN SPO

purging blood

i have been purging a lot the past few days. and blood was mixed into my vomit. i dont really know if i have to worry or not..? well i think i will just wait and see if i gets worse.
i lost almost lost 1 kg yesterday. so thats nice (: i havent eaten any chocolate or crisps either so thats also quite nice d: i should weigh 55-56 kg when i come back from norway NeXT week.
i have been busy with reading and writing. i need to run 2 a week and just once. i am just lazy ):

live a life without chocolate,challenge

i am starting a new challenge.

thats right. no more chocolate.
a quote says a life without chocolate is not a life at all. that might be true. i am a desperate chocolate lover and has always been. which Means that its mainly also because of chocolate i dont lose as much weight as i would like.
but not anymore! i intend to live a chocolate/cocoa free life now! just because i can eat it, doesnt it mean i should. i will avoid it, as if i were allergic.

 i made a bet with a friend of mine. so now i have to stay vegetarian for 4 months. if not i Owe her a pack of cigarettes. but if i can do it, she Owes me one. i know i can do it. why i am so sure? meat doesnt look tempting. it doesnt smell tempting. not like chocolate. and i never ever put meat on my bread. i always eat my bread pure. no butter no nothing. but as i still live home, i have a slight problem. my dad. he wont like it. i am actually sure he would go as far, as to force me to eat meat. i will just throw it up if it happens. will it then still Count?
i dont want to lose. i know i can do it.

well, if i manage not to eat chocolate for 1 month, then i will give up crisps for good as well. crisps are bad for you. for your skin and your weightloss. just like chocolate. BUT chocolate do have Health benefits! at least dark chocolate has.


i will go exercising in a min. or two.


i dont want to let my dreams, stay dreams. i want to make them real.