musical week

this week has been the worst in this school year. we are having a musical week. i am on the decorating team. which Means i had to decorate the school. but also clean up. last thursday i sat and did nothing for 3 hours because my teacher wouldnt let me go. i had nothing to do. when he finally let me go i laid in my bed. for another 3 hours. doing nothing. waiting for my sister so we could Watch a movie. she is on the media team. yesterday parents came to see the play. it hurt to so much to see how much they love their children. how proud of them they were. my parents never look at me that way and never have.
i am slowly losing respect for life. homicide is suddenly not a forbidden thought anymore. and i cant stop thinking of how to kill myself. i have planned to built up a stash of painkillers. i want to scratch my self. my face, my neck my stomach. the urge is so strong.
a friend of mine said we could smoke weed together in the up coming holiday. she will see to if she can get some ecstasy for us as well. excited? VERY MUCH. i have lost a bit of weight so thats good. my teachers have talked to my sis about me. they dont think i eat enough. i am just not hungry at the meals. i cant eat anything. feels like i am too tired somehow. they have also asked her about if i still cut. i know she will lie about it. she will cover up for me. so yeah. this week i have basically lived of chips but i still lost weight hah. i think i will go for a walk. i need some fresh air. and the snow is finally gone.
all i have had this far is a cup of coffee and a cracker (: very hungry but thats alright.