alone/ website:seven cups of tea

i feel so alone. my sisters roomie hates me so i dont like to visit them. i dont feel welome because of it. but i dont really have anyone to talk to apart from my sister. her roomie made her agree that they would spend time alone together every Tuesday and thursday. so i am all alone those days.
just sitting around on my own isnt good for me. it kinda triggers bad thoughts and sadness.
i ut want togo ome so i can get my cigarettes!
two of my latest cuts got infected and the infection wouldnt go away. it slowed Down the healing process  A LOT, but they are luckily fine now.
i eat more than i should, but eating is so comforting, and time consuming.
a teacher told me that its nice to see that i have become so "well-balanced." oh yeah i am so well-balanced i still cut. yes i am completly fine. dont you worry (:
hah  people are so hilarious without even knowing




if you feel like you need someone to talk to, about anything, i think you should visit the website called seven cups of tea. it really helped me. you can choose by yourself who you talk to. the so called "listeners" have a profile you can check out.
its a bit difficult to explain but i think you should try  it out (:

Links: BMI calculator/calorie counter

link to BMI calculator:
http://www.bmi-calculator.net/

Link to calorie counter ( this one should be ok I think (: I use one in my native language so I can't really know. )
http://www.caloriecount.com/calories-fruits-fruit-juices-ic0900

motivating quotes/ana commandments/pledge

Sometimes is all you need a quote to keep you on the right path (:
-i didn't make them up myself-
- Skip dinner, wake up thinner!
- What I eat in private, is what I wear in public
- Thinner is the winner
-Hunger hurts, but starving it Works ( it's from Fiona Apples song "paperbag." This quote is taken out of context!)
- calories kill
- Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels (- Kate Moss)
- Starvation is life, life is tough
- Salvation through starvation
and now to my fav: I believe in salvation through trying a bit harder than I did yesterday.




Quotes on Bulimia:

-I mean, we all know the dangers of starving, but bulimia? That can't be that bad. It's only bad when you get really thin. Who worries about bulimics? They're just gross.
- Marya Hornbacher ( please notice the sarcasm! Marya was bulimic herself)
- You know you have got problems when your head is hanging over the toilet, puking up your dinner, and what you are thinking of is your dad. And how he thinks you are not pretty.
-  Teresa Lo

-The stuffing/puking/stuffing/puking/stuffing/puking didn't make her skinny, it made her cry
- Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

-Some people who are obsessed with food become gourmet chefs. Others become eating disorders.
- Marya Hornbacher, Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia

-My bulimia was my addiction. Hurting myself was my addiction... The music is what saved me. That's the only thing I can trust.
- Nicole Scherzinger




Anas 10 Commandments1. If you aren't thin, you aren't attractive
2. Being thin is more important than being healthy
3. You must buy clothes style your hair, take laxatives*, starve yourself, do anything to look thinner
4. Thou shall not eat without feeling guilty
5. Thou shall not eat fattening food without punishing oneself afterwards
6. Thou shall Count calories and restrict intake accordingly
7. What the scale says is the most important thing
8. Losing weight is good; gaining weight is bad
9. You can never be too thin
10. Being thin and not eating are signs of true will-power and success

* DON'T take laxatives in order to lose weight! It doesn't Work. The only weight you will lose is water weight!




Pledge
I believe in control, the only force mighty enough to bring order to the Chaos that is my World.
I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet and that I am totally unworthy of anyones time and attention.
I believe that people who tell me differently must be idiots. If they could see how I really am they would hate me almost as much as I do.
I believe in oughts, musts and shoulds as unbreakable Laws to determine my daily behavior.
I believe in perfection and strive to attain it.
I believe in salvation through trying a bit harder than I did yesterday.
I believe in calorie counters as the inspired Word of God and memorize them accordingly.
I believe in bathroom scales as an indicator of my daily successes and failures.
I believe in hell. Because I think that I am sometimes living in it.
 I believe in a wholly Black and White World, the losing of weight, recrimination for sins, the abnegation of the body and a life ever fasting.

update

Ugh.. I wish I could just skip christmas.
Yesterday I binged on some cookies just to get rid of them
. Do any  you do the same?
 I didn't really gain so that's good.
I drink a lot of green tea and try to only eat apples and Salad.
Green tea should be very good for your metabolism...
I haven't posted in a while because I have been busy  doing tests.
I would like to go outside and run. But it's storming and raining.
I can do some excesises in my room without anyone seeing it.
My roomie is never there in the weekends.

I never leave my goals  out of sight. I carry them in my Heart, always.
 I know what I want. And I can do it.
And so can you.
Stay strong, lovelies xoxo

Purging

Why do I purge?
I do it because I hate the thought of having eaten. It feels like I gain weight just by looking at food. But unfortunately I am too weak to resist the temptation sometimes.. so in order not to gain weight and to feel better with myself, I have to purge.
Which isn't nice at all.
 It will slowly start to affect your teeth. The acid will destroy your esophagus and then you will purge blood. in the end your esophagus will maybe get so thin, that it tear, and then you will DIE.
Your knuckles will get bruised and I could go on like this forever... some people use a toothbrush to help them purge instead of their hand, but don't ever do that.
 It could suffocate you.  Purging just isn't good for you. Don't do it. Just don't...
But if you should happen to... here are some foods I don't eat if I want to purge them:

- Lemons and oranges. (Maybe you can guess why (; )
- Chocolate
- Pizza ( I think the taste of chewed pizza mixed with stomach acid tastes awful in particular)
- Ice cream ( but not Ben and Jerrys.)
- Crisps ( if I haven't chewed them well enough)
and most people hate purging rice. I personally don't have a problem with it.

And my "fav" foods to purge:
- Bread
- Cake
- Mashed potatoes
- Basically any kind of sauce
- Vegetables
- Soup



If you keep purging and purging and purging this will be your teeth one day:(!)
      

safe/fear foods

It's better to eat some foods than others if you want to lose weight.
These are my
 Safe Foods:

- Crackers ( 1 cracker- 42 kcal)
- Vegetable broth (7 kcal)
- Iceberg Salad
- Plain yoghurt ( 100g 62 kcal)
- Oranges (1- 80 kcal)
- Apples ( 1-80)
- Tomatoes ( 100g- 26 kcal)
- Red pebber ( 100g- 30 kal)
- Radishes
- Cucumber (100g - 14kcal)
- Chicken ( fist size- 90kcal. )
- Sauerkraut
- Peas ( 100g-76 kcal)
- Peaches
- Mushrooms (100g-22 kcal)
- Celery
- Watermelon ( 100g- 30kcal)
- Pineapple ( 100g-50 kcal)


And now to the
Fear Foods:

-Pizza
- Sugar
- All kinds of cake
- Cream
- Rice
-Pasta
- Mayo
-Ketchup
- Lasagna
- Butter
- Bread
- Bacon
-  Chocolate
- Crisps
-Cookies
- Alcohol
- Pork
- Ice cream



Just because a food is on the "fear foods" list, doesn't it mean that you are not allowed to eat it at all. Just avoid it, or eat a tiny amount of it on special days or something.

workouts

If you want to lose weight faster, it's a very good idea to do workouts. Muscles burn more calories. To lose a Pound you have to burn 3500 calories(!)
You could also just bicycle or start running ( if you don't do that already.)
Your body also looks nicer if you are just a Little bit fit.
Here are some exercises i like to do:
 (2 jumping Jacks burn around 1 kcal. )

And of course also sit ups. I do 50 of them.